Peace Will Come

In my last post I said that "we" had moved.  That was sort of true, but I also kind of glossed over this one giant piece of information.
My dad, the girls, and I moved to North Carolina.
Chris still has a permanent address in McDonough...for now.
We talked this idea of moving very nearly to death and felt like this really was the right time to move, but Chris is still in school.  He's too close to the end to switch to another school.  He'll finish his program in the spring, and then be able to move here full time.
Until then that equals a lot of driving for him, and more time apart than we'd like.  If someone had asked me if we'd ever be the people to do this, I would've laughed at that foolishness.
All the same, here we are.  What that means is really soaking up our time together and being as intentional as we can with every moment.

During the months before we actually decided to go ahead and move, I'm just not sure that you can imagine the worry/doubt/freakoutishness that went on with trying to make such a big life decision (unless you've done it too). Since God knows who I am and how my brain works, he extended an amazing kindness to me.
On one of the days Chris and I had to be in court, Chris was coming from the station and I was coming from home, so we were going to have to meet there.  We were going to be a little early and decided to meet at a coffee shop across the street from the courthouse.  When I got there and found Chris, he told me that the shop wasn't actually open and that he had walked in on a prayer meeting.  He introduced me to a few of the guys he'd met and we chatted for a few minutes about the coffee shop. Before we left, this one guy said his name was Micah and he really felt like he needed to tell us something.  It was getting a little weird and I was getting a little nervous, but there was no polite way out.
He said he thought we were going through a difficult time, and maybe that's why we were in the coffee shop that day.  Chris and I looked an each other and leaned in to hear what this dude had to say.  He looked at me and said that God had given me a big, bold vision for our family and that Chris was supporting me in it; that he wasn't sure if we had kids or not, but that he thought we were going to be leading in some way...maybe leading children.  The whole conversation lasted maybe a minute or two.  Chris and I were teary-eyed and almost speechless.  We left there and just walked down the sidewalk in silence until I was like, "hey, so maybe we should talk about what just happened!?!"  It was sort of surreal.  I'm not a person who asks God to give me a sign, but man- I needed that one!
After that, it was easier to go ahead.  Make no mistake- every step has not been easy, but it has been doable.  Even when it's been difficult, there's been peace.
One night last week I was reading Audrey's Bible to her before bed and laughed out loud at what I saw.  She asked me what was funny.  I just told her that God has a sense of humor.

Even when I'm overwhelmed (which happens more than I'd like), I'm thankful.
I know that we're in exactly this season because this is where we're supposed to be.

Once all the issues with Christian's mental health really started to come to light, somewhere in the darkest part of me, I began to question whether or not adopting him had been the right thing. I wish that wasn't true, but it is. I questioned why God would have let our hearts be so heavy to be parents only to give us a child with problems we didn't understand. I remembered all the times we had told the miracle story of how we got our babies; of how I was so filled with happiness and pride at being given the gift of being a mother. On some level it felt like a sick joke. We had boasted over and over of God's goodness only to wind up right in the middle of a mess that we didn't make and didn't know how to fix.  I'm unspeakably thankful that God loves me in the midst of that kind of ugliness.  I've spent an embarrassing amount of time wallowing in why this is happening to our family.  To add insult to injury, my sister moved away so I just slathered on another layer of self pity and have worn it around as though it was an indispensable accessory.  Bleh.
I told Chris that I don't normally make New Year's resolutions.  I heard numerous people talking about how the start of a new year made them feel reflective, and I just thought "nah." 
On the way home from being out of town for the new year, I started to feel like I should do some fasting and praying about a few things.  While I still haven't exactly made resolutions, I feel a bit like I've come up for air.  
My devotion for today talked about the fact that when God wants to give you the confidence to complete the tasks ahead of you, he doesn't tell you how awesome you are.  Moses had been wandering around in the wilderness for 40 years, and then God tells him to go confront Pharaoh.  
He asks God, "who am I that I should go?"  
God answers, "I will be with you."  
Whoa.  I found such clarity in reading this today...and believe me when I tell you I needed it!  God's response to Moses had absolutely nothing to do with Moses and everything to do with God.  
Being chosen for this path I'm on doesn't mean that I have a list of qualifications that make me great for it.  What it means, is that God is with me.  All that I need comes from that.  
The hard times aren't over.  We're still in what feels like a very precarious position.  Just a few weeks ago, Christian's insurance started asking questions about whether or not he really needs this level of care...even though he's still displaying all the same behavior patterns.  We still don't know exactly what comes next.  
We are here.  God is with us.  I have to strive to remember this every day.  
Please continue to pray for our family.

{As an aside, if you are looking for a great devotion app you should try First5.}

one foot in front of the other

The last time I posted an update about Christian was back in November.  The staff at the behavioral health hospital he was in had begun talking to us about discharging him before the end of the year.  I had a lot of mixed emotions about it.  When you have a child that is capable of what we've seen from Christian, you can't just get a sitter like you can for most kids.  I was so overwhelmed by the possibility of him being home before I had the baby and not knowing where he and Audrey would be while we were in the hospital.  Add to that, I didn't feel like he was ready to come home.  I shared my concerns with his therapist, and she assured me that he was doing very well.  She told us to just continue reinforcing all the coping skills he had learned and make sure he was attending his therapy appointments once he was back home.
He was discharged December 19th and the first rumblings came Christmas Day.  He wasn't ready and I knew it.  A lot of kids throw temper tantrums when they are toddlers, but generally as they get older those behaviors wane and with Christian we are continuing to see just the opposite.  When he doesn't get what he wants; when things don't go his way, he throws a fit.  Only since he's not a toddler and has some serious rage, that fit doesn't just mean crying or laying in the floor- it means he also hits and kicks, spits and tries to bite -just to name a few.  And now he's added in trying to get at both his sisters during these episodes.  
We had him home for 30 days before he was admitted for a short stay in a crisis unit. A couple of weeks later he had another. All total it was 60 days before he was approved to return to the hospital where he spent most of last year. 

Once he was settled back in there and we started talking about how to move forward, it was very clear pretty quickly that we needed to change paths.  A little over a month ago we moved Christian to a new facility.  So far, things are going very well there.  When I say that, I don't mean that he is all of a sudden getting better.  What I mean is that the staff there seems to have a much better grip on what is and is not acceptable behavior.  They are seeing what we've seen and are working with us and with Christian to try to move in the right direction, rather than glossing over his aggression...or pretending like taking deep breaths will make it all better.
This is still the most difficult thing we've ever done.  There are days when I try to remind God that this isn't what I signed up for.  Days when I feel like it's too much, I'm too tired, and I can't do this.  In those moments I'm not at my best, but God knows the condition of my heart.  He knows that even when I'm complaining or crying or yelling, for that matter, that I still know His word is true.  
He loves us.
He has plans for us...plans that are for our good and His glory.
For now we just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

Today our boys turns 8.  
We continue to ask for your prayers for his health and healing, and prayers for wisdom for us know know how to best take care of all three of our babies.

Last year after I made all this public, someone said to me that it was difficult to believe there was anything wrong when our pictures all looked so happy.  Just know that we take pictures when things are going well.  We appreciate those pictures so that we have happy memories to look back on when things are not going so well.
Two weeks ago when we went for family therapy, Christian didn't want to discuss anything difficult.  He turned over the furniture and threatened to punch me in the face.  
Yesterday we had a really good visit.  We shared some cupcakes and loved on each other.  
Those are the days we take the pictures.

"For I am about to do something new.
    See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
    I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."Isaiah 43:19

Uncharted Territory

Parenting is something you can only prepare for to a point.  You can know that there will be a lack of sleep in the beginning and that potty training might just break you.  You know that the first day of school is coming, that one day your children will learn how to drive, and that likely you'll go through some times where your kid is hanging out with the wrong crowd.  There's a lot of other stuff though that there's no way to get your mind and heart ready for.
Since March of this year, Chris and I have been in uncharted territory.
Christian has always been a pretty difficult kid...maybe because we don't know his background, maybe because he's a wild boy, maybe because that's just the way he's wired...it's not really something you can know with certainty.  He's always been one to throw fits, but as he's gotten older they've escalated instead of gotten better and the fit we saw that changed our perspective happened one Saturday afternoon in March.  The trigger was nothing more than some other kids not doing what he wanted them to do. When he came to complain to me I suggested that he play with some other kids and that was enough to send him into the kind of behavior that no one wants to imagine their child will ever display.  What transpired in the following three hours was unimaginable...screaming, hitting, kicking, biting, spitting, hissing, and the list goes on.  He was advancing on us with intent to do harm and would not be talked down from his rage.
In the midst of something like this, damage control was pretty much all we could do.  Once it was over though, we knew we were in a new place and something else had to be done.  We called the pediatrician and they were able to see us that Monday.  Once we'd explained the situation to the doctor, he referred us to a behavioral counselor.  We saw her the following morning and from there were referred to a behavioral health facility.  This is not the kind of place I ever imagined I might step foot in.  Chris and I had explained very clearly to Christian that we didn't know how best to help him, so we needed some other people to help us through this process.  Unless you have been sitting in our chairs or walking in our shoes, let me go ahead and tell you that this was the hardest day we had ever experienced together and you can't possibly imagine what it was like.  It is a very humbling thing to ask for help in a great many situations, but this took the cake.  I cried more tears that day than I knew could pour out of me.
We walked away from there that day without our son.  Although we prayed and believed that this was the best next step in figuring out how to move forward, it was still terribly difficult.  That first time he was admitted he stayed for seven days.  Over the next six weeks, Christian had to be admitted to that same behavioral health facility three more times.  We became well acquainted with phrases like "a danger to himself and others" as well as "rage and impulse control."  All the while we continued to be baffled at what was coming from his six year old little body.  There were days during those weeks when everything seemed ok.  We were trying therapy and medication to see if we could get to a better place; a more manageable situation.  We started to gauge everything by how our boy might take it or what might send him into another fit.  The most difficult part of that was never knowing what might set him off.
After dealing with a lot of back and forth for six weeks, we decided to try a different direction.  We knew that calling 911 to come transport our child to the hospital every couple of weeks was not a great plan.  Chris and I went and toured a more long term care facility and felt really comforted by what we learned about the facility itself as well as the impressions made on us by the staff.  In May, we admitted Christian there and he has been there since.  While we don't have a release date, we do have a lot more knowledge than we did three months ago.  Not only does Christian attend all different types of therapy each week, we also have family therapy so that we're all learning how to cope with our new situation.
Our current normal doesn't look like it did a year ago.  It's a lot more appointments and communication with doctors, nurses, and therapists.  It's visits with our child instead of living with him.  It's still confusing.  It's still heart-breaking.  We still don't know what our normal will look like in another year.

A game of Trouble during an on campus visit

What we do know is that God chose our children to be ours.  He made them for us and us for them.  He knew this would be part of our journey.  In those weak moments when I've wondered what I did wrong, I have to remember this.  Thankfully we are surrounded by people who love us and want what's best for us.  Thankfully the naysayers have kept their comments to themselves and instead what we've heard is a whole lot of folks telling us they stand with us and that what we're doing for our family takes courage.

Today we had a home visit that went really well.  It's been in the works for five weekends in a row and finally all the requirements were met.  I was a little nervous, but everything was great.  I looked in my rearview mirror today and got choked up seeing all my people together.  It felt so blissfully normal.  We needed this.  It's a small victory, but a much needed one.

To those of you who are our net, our people who are ready to catch us, to keep Audrey while we go to yet another appointment, to love us like we need it, to continue to pray for us:  thank you.  Those words seem inadequate, but know that we wouldn't be able to do this on our own. 

Currently

Here's what's going on around here.
Currenty I'm...

Watching
...Longmire- and if you aren't watching this, you should be!  Since there's not a ton of stuff we watch that's new right now we're also enjoying Netflix.  For me, it's Brothers and Sisters, and together Chris and I are loving The West Wing.

Listening to
...The new Civil Wars album, Imagine Dragons, and my new favorite song from church is Furious by Jeremy Riddle.  Good stuff.

Enjoying
...the at&t commercials with the guy and the little kids...every one I've seen is hilarious!

Annoyed by
...the fact that I've gotten papers from both of my children's schools that had grammar and/or spelling mistakes.  This is a problem.  Just get someone to proof it.  Everyone makes mistakes, but it seems like maybe someone should be checking for these things at a school.

Thankful for
...a job that I enjoy and a family that makes coming home something to look forward to.

Happy Wednesday!  

                     

Goins' On

The Leprechaun Trap

Part of Christian's homework last week was to make a Leprechaun trap.  Really a cute idea...and one I happily shoved off as a "Daddy project."  Chris said that when he walked him in last Friday morning there were a lot of traps that were more cutesy, but his is functional!  Boys are funny, no matter the age.

New Friends

I'm not really a super friendly person...knowing is the first step right!?  Chris generally makes a point to introduce himself to neighbors.  I, on the other hand, mostly make a point to stay away from neighbors.  We bought our house back in September and wonder of wonders, our family has struck up a friendship with our neighbors across the street!  We (adults and kids) are having such a great time hanging out!  I'm pretty sure I wasn't missing much in the other neighborhoods we've lived in, but I'm so happy I decided to go out on a limb this time.  And, hopefully no one moves for a very long time!

Date Night

Last Friday night and the Friday night before that we had date nights.  We don't do anywhere near as many of these as we'd like to, but life happens right?  It worked out that we had two in a row and it was lovely!  The first one was a double date with Andrea and Dusty.  Then last Friday Chris and I went out to celebrate our anniversary.  :)  Our anniversary was actually last month, but since we both had the flu we didn't acknowledge those dates at all really.  We'll take a month-late celebration of dinner and a movie.  We're not particular.  

What I'm Lovin' Right Now:

  Living so close to my sister.  The older we get, the more I value this relationship.  Running together, trading off childcare, singing, laughing, and then add in that our husbands like each other too?  Way more than I could ask for.

Growing food.  Chris built me some boxes and I'm trying to see if I can grow some strawberries.  I can't wait to see if this works...this is our first go round with strawberries.

My people.  They slay me.  They are gifts that I don't deserve.  They make me laugh.  They make me crazy.  I'm planning to use this cool and possibly rainy weekend to fill my tank with as much of them as I can.  

Happy weekend y'all!

Perfect

Just because I know God's way is perfect doesn't mean I always remember it in the day to day.  
I have had an attitude problem for the last couple of weeks.  Not being ugly to everyone...only those I hold closest, love most.  I hate that.  The worst part is that I wasn't really frustrated with them, but with things not going my way.  In essence, frustrated with God- you know, the one who can see everything.  The only one who knows what's really and truly best for me and mine.  
I even prayed for peace a couple times.  The problem is that I wasn't really seeking it out.  I just wanted it to be given to me. 

It just so happens I came across this: 

This God—his way is perfect;
 the word of the Lord proves true;
 he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.
Psalms 18:30

The Bible isn't so much a looking glass through which I can see the future.  I can't see what our family will look like in another five years or where our business will be in terms of its success.  I can't see our wins and losses before they happen. 

Rather it is a mirror so that I can see a little clearer what I'm doing or not doing right now.  Like, oh hello, your fly's down and you have spinach in your teeth.  Or maybe how I'm trying my dead level best to get my way when scripture so plainly says, "his way is perfect."  How I'm asking for peace instead of actively taking refuge in Him.   

Today I'm thankful for grace and love.

I'm thankful that God's word is true.  

I'm thankful for all He's given me.

2012 in pictures

Since it's just 8pm and I'm in my pajamas, I'm pretty sure I won't still be awake at midnight!  Happy New Year to one and all!  Here's a glimpse at our year in pictures.   

I can't wait to see what 2013 brings with it!

Our Christmas

It was Christmas for days!  We started on Sunday at my Mom's, then Monday at Chris's parents', and wrapped it up on Tuesday at home.  It's always so busy, but we had a great time!  
Christian's salvation and baptism gave me a bit of a different perspective this holiday season.  Although we do celebrate with gifts, we have tried each year to make sure the kids know the real reason for Christmas.  This year the whole experience seemed a little sweeter for this Mama's heart.

Saturday night the kids and students at our church hosted a special service.  They did the music, our pastor shared a quick word, and then the service was closed with baptism.  I was a hot mess.  Our boy got baptized and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the net of support around him, cheering him on, congratulating him, and tearing up with me at what we know this means for him not only on this Earth, but for eternity.  I'm not sure there's any greater gift.

*****

I have eaten more than I care to admit in the last week...there were just too many delicious things and I didn't even hold to a pretense of self-control!  
Meals were shared with the ones we love.  Glasses were raised and moments were held onto.  Seared onto the pages of our minds.  Trying to live in the moment and not let these pass without knowing exactly how amazing the now is (even when it just wears you slap out).  
It's bizarre to think that four years ago today we didn't have our kids yet.  So much has changed in what seems like so little time.  If this (and all the comments from my parents to this effect) can mean anything, before we know it they'll be married with children of their own.  
I am spending this break, this lovely time of staying up later, sleeping in...a little at least, and so much time together trying to savor these moments.  Remembering that this time is short.  All the "get out of his face, stop running in the house, leave her dolls alone, give it a rest!" will only be for a little while.  Too soon the pitter patter of little feet will turn into the jingling of keys and the songs of their cell phones.  
I'm counting my blessings today.  I'm delighting in my littles.
I'm thanking God for the now.

Hope your Christmas was lovely.
Happy New Year!